Un ateu se plimba prin padure minunandu-se de frumusetile naturii:
„Ce copaci impresionanti! Ce rauri cristaline! Ce animale frumoase!” La un moment dat, in timp ce se relaxa, ateul aude in spatele lui zgomote ciudate. Cand se intoarce vede un urs ca-n povesti: mare, frumos, sanatos si cu pofta de mancare.
Ingrozit, ateul o ia la fuga, insa ursul avea conditie fizica asa ca il urmeaza constiincios…
Ateul era atat de ingrozit incat la un moment dat se impiedica si cade. Ursul il apucase deja de un picior asa ca omul, paralizat de frica, racneste: „Doamneeee!!!”.
In secunda urmatoare, timpul se opri,…… ursul ingheta in pozitia in care se afla, padurea ramase neclintita si o lumina se revarsa din cer. Ateul socat, auzi o voce:
– Mi-ai negat existenta toata viata, le-ai explicat si altora ca sunt un mit, ai pus toata creatia Mea pe seama intamplarii cosmice…vrei acum sa te salvez? Pot eu sa te consider credincios cu adevara! t ?
Ateul se uita fix in lumina si raspunse:
– As fi ipocrit sa-ti cer brusc sa ma consideri credincios, dar poate ai reusi intr-un fel, sa devina ursul credincios ?
– Foarte bine, raspunse vocea.
Lumina disparu, zgomotul padurii reveni.
Ursul il elibera din ghearele sale, isi impreuna labele din fata si spuse:
„Doamne, binecuvinteaza aceste bucate. Amin”
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, „She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn’t she know there isn’t a God?”
Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying „Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don’t you know there is no God?” But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, „Humph! I’ll fix her.”
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, „You ol’ crazy lady, God didn’t buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!” At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.
When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, „I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn’t know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!”
An Atheist goes to court to sue over not having a special holiday for Atheist.
He states that the Christians have Christmas, the Jewish have Hanukkah, and the Muslims have Ramadan.
The judge takes a recess then returns and announces, „sir, your suit is not accepted for contrary to it, Atheist do have a holiday”.
The judge then calls to the bailiff to bring him the Bible that is used in the Court.
After searching for a few moments, he quotes from the Bible, „The fool hath said in his heart, there is no God…” (Psalms 14:1).
The Judge continues, „thus, it is established that you do have your own holiday, it is April 1st, April Fools’ Day”.
Why did the atheist cross the road?
He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypoth
15,000 Atheists in London rioted after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist’s desk.” (if you don’t get it, remember the Muhammad cartoons where Muslims rioted.)
Why did the atheist throw her watch out the window?
She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.
What do you get when you cross a Mormon and an Atheist?
A person who rings your doorbell for no reason.
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
What does an insomniac dyslexic agnostic do at night?
Lay awake wondering whether or not there is a dog.
Why did the dyslexic atheist have a pet cat?
Because he didn’t believe in dog.
What does the dog of an atheist dream about?
Whether God will forgive his master
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during an orgasm.
Why are atheists so fond of radiocarbon dating?
It’s the closest many of them will come to ever getting laid!
A minister, a priest, a rabbi, and an atheist meet in a bar at 10:00 a.m. The bartender asks the minister what he’ll have, and the minister orders a martini. The priest also orders a martini, as does the rabbi. When the bartender asks the atheist what he wants, the atheist says he’d like a cup of coffee. “Why aren’t you having a martini like those guys?” asks the bartender. “Oh,” says the atheist, “I don’t believe in martinis before lunch.”
Taoism – Shit happens.
Buddhism – If shit happens, it’s not really shit.
Islam – If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.
Protestantism – Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism – Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism – This shit happened before.
Catholicism – Shit happens because you’re bad.
Hare Krishna – Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism – Send more shit.
Atheism – No shit
Jehova’s Witness – Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism – There’s nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science – Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism – Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Rastafarianism – Let’s smoke this shit.
Existentialism – What is shit anyway?
Stoicism – This shit doesn’t bother me.
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself „Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.” There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: „No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.” So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: „Okay …
.. NOW you’re screwed.”
A British layman, a priest and an atheist are on their first train journey through Ireland. The layman, wanting to get some conversation going, looks out the window and sees a flock of black sheep.
-The sheep are black here in Ireland, says the layman.
The priest and the atheist look out the window too.
–Well, at least the ones we’ve seen this far, says the priest.
–Well at least, replies the atheist, the ones we saw were black on the side facing us at the time when we were passing them.
Why God never got a Phd:
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn’t even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.